Life Questions - Last night, I had again one of my insomnia attacks, something
that I'm not really too happy about since it just encourages me to sleep the
rest of the day. Anyway, I kept tossing and turning about, though that wasn't
the only thing that kept me awake. The whole time, my mind was wandering, going
through many questions that concern mainly my existence.

(Just so you know, I've read an article in Inquirer's Youngblood about a woman
trying to go through life questions in her sleep, so basically I'm aping the theme
of her article.)

Back to my musings. I guess there were a lot, starting from "Oh, those-good-
'ol-days" thoughts to "what-if" questions. For one thing, I remembered how
my life was three years ago, and one of the most vivid thoughts I could
remember was those times Kim, Soo Yeon and I doing our 'infommercial' to 'sell'
our science investigatory project, which was a can opener. We did it just
like one of those home shopping guides - complete with random surveys,
interviews, demos, 'audience' participation, and a feature on the conveniences
one could get from owning a can opener... (To my former groupmates - do
you remember when we stored the can opener under the bed just like one of
those exercise machines?)

Man, it really seems like eons ago! It was a time when everything we did was just for fun,
and we had cool teachers like Sir Padlan who was good-natured enough to accept
our little home video as our 'defense'. It was a story I'd always tell my
friends in college, and brag about how 'innovative' we are...of course, I don't
really think our professors would really appreciate that kind of presentation
if we were to present our proposals for parks, hospitals and the like. But hey.
We were kids back then. We were allowed to kid around.

Then, to the what-ifs. Well, maybe not really what-ifs, but more of the whys?
Why haven't I met...the one? Why do I sometimes feel like a 14-year-old trapped in a
20-year-old mind, and sometimes an old lady pretending to be a 20-year-old?
It's just so conflicting, the way I think and the way I feel. Perfect example
would be my love life - geez, I feel like a manang for dismissing the notion of
having a boyfriend as something morally damaging (or something close to that) and
yet I long for one...I think. It's stupid! I can't even bear to put that in
writing!

Anyway, I guess I do know enough to realize that getting involved with someone is
not the smartest thing to do right now, not when I'm getting so deep into
the whole I'm-gonna-be-an-architect thing. But I feel otherwise, especially
when one of your gay buds tell you that he already has a boyfriend...Aaarrrgghhh!!!
It makes me wonder -- am I not friendly enough? smart enough? flirtatious enough?
gullible enough? stupid enough? (I'm sorry, I let my sarcasm get the best of me.)
The guy I used to like (fine, he was my ex) told me I shouldn't change because
my qualities are what make(?) me appealing and beautiful to others, and it is
because of those qualities that made him fall in love with me. But heck. I know he's
my friend and I'm deeply touched by his concern, but I find it ironic that the
one guy who actually hails my outstanding traits is the same guy who dumped me.
It makes me wonder what is really wrong with the picture.

I also wonder about my future thesis topic. I chatted with a friend who's
one batch higher than me, and she told me that she and her groupmates still don't
have a topic, though she assured me that their study is going to be a
research-based one and not project-based. They still have no clue about what
they are going to tackle, though ideas like producing an all-in-one tech pen (from
.01 to .1) have been brought up. (That was a joke!) Anyway, I have only
one year left before thesis, and I guess its never too early to think of
a topic - after all, if I'm unfortunate enough in my career, my thesis topic
might prove to be best work ever.

And of course, I ponder about God's goodness. He always manages to pull one on
me, making things happen in my life that I never expected to. Sure, I've had
bad times. I suffered from family problems, society's pressures, bad hair days
and heartbreak. But I also met good people and made great friends along the way. I've seen different
places (Europe is still fresh in my memory) and experienced challenging situations.
(arkistry? design exhibit?)

Of course, my life is far from perfect. I guess what I'm just driving at is that
God is good, and one can only see that by looking at things in a positive way.

I guess right now I'm praying that God would help me get more sleep at night.