Crying in the Office on a Tuesday

Warning: What you are about to read is miles away from my previous entry. It’s just teeming with pessimism.
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Today is probably the saddest day I’ve ever had at work.:( After a couple of weeks and months of being forced to slack around, I just realized how unhappy I was with my work. Marvin accurately stated how I feel – I’m just an extension of my boss. I merely fax, print, and transcribe what he says. I call consultants when he’s too busy to call them, and I take calls from suppliers when he doesn’t feel like talking to them. There are times when I have nothing to do, and he doesn’t show up for work! And there are lots of periods wherein I DON’T DO ANYTHING AT ALL.

In short, I feel like it’s a waste of time being at work. As in. I am unhappy - I don’t want to spend the next 6 months of my self-imposed allotted time in the office feeling as if I’m wasting my precious training period, that I’m better off not going to work at all or I should be in another firm.

I am also not happy working for my boss. He may not be the meanest boss around – in fact, he’s not mean at all. But I don’t like working for him. He’s just more at ease working by his lonesome. And though I understand that, I can’t sit around and feel useless while waiting for him to give me work. I feel so frustrated. I never got the chance to feel that I’m in control of what I’m doing. And now, I’m not even doing anything at all.

What makes me especially sad is I’ve grown to love the environment and the people in GF. Everyone’s really nice and fun to be with. But I know I have to do something else in this firm or leave. I won’t be happy with the people here if I am not happy with my work. And right now, I’m not.

Shucks. I wonder. Do they see me as competent? I admit to acting like a newbie – sometimes I just really space out when given an instruction, especially when I was just a couple of weeks on the job. But now I can say for certain that that has changed.

If I request to be transferred to another team, I must be sure where I want to be. The problem is, I don’t know what team I’d rather be in, or if I want to be at all. There’s this feeling that, if I want to be in production, I want everything to be entirely fresh. I don’t want reminders of specs stuff and “what-I-could-have-learned-in-specs-if-just-stayed-but-in-actual-there’s-really-little”. But my confidence has wavered in the past couple of months that I was here. Before, I thought I know how to use CAD. Now, I’m not sure. I am also not confident now in what I am saying about things. I cower before innocent suggestions of people.

This is just so crappy. Why does working here only seem great in theory? *Sigh* I need to get the old Mumty back. She may not be that much of a talker, but at least she didn’t whimper and she knew how to make do with what’s present and what’s lacking. And yeah, she has somewhat perfected the practice of being sweetly manipulative.
*feeling tired*

It’s tiring to be so frustrated. Gosh.:(

All I can say is, I need to do something else…soon. I need to get out of this miserable state before the system totally destroys what I think of myself and my capabilities.