Realizations.

I just arrived home, and I was planning on watching HP and the Goblet of Fire. Maybe later. I just want to write this reflection before it escapes me.

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When I was still a student, I used to think that failing was never an option. That was one of my mantras in college. Ma would never hear of it and I would never think of it. For me, it was better to get just barely passing marks in a subject rather than dropping the entire subject and retaking it, hoping to get higher the next time around, or entertain the thought of failing. And thank God, I passed all those difficult math and physics subjects in college, even managing to graduate with honors in spite of all the 3’s and 2.75’s I had.

However, life after school turned out to be more complicated than what I expected. For one thing, I couldn’t seem to figure out what I really wanted to do, or even be certain if I was happy with what I was currently doing. I had the idealistic notion of actually being able to have a two-year ‘diversified’ experience in spite of the reality that one could never really get a varied range of experiences in so short a time. What I did? I hopped from one job to another, in a way trying to achieve this goal, but more of not just being happy with one job after another.

I tried to plan out my life in the exact manner I tried planning my life in college, but things didn’t really turn out the way I expected them to turn out. There were times that I really ended up with egg on my face. More often than I expected, I ended up being disillusioned, although I really tried to see the better side of things. But there were also times I felt that wow, God works in mysterious ways. It was because of certain misfortunes in my life that the good ones followed. In short, there were a lot of things, both bad and good, that I hadn’t seen coming when I started to venture out into the real world.

Anyway, the board exams. Ah. I’ve always felt that being the goody-two-shoes, stick-to-the rules person that I am, I would be taking this two years after I graduate. I dreaded this but at least this was something I could prepare and plan for, because I expected this to happen. And I did. I’d like to think I took my responsibility of preparing for the board exams seriously. Whenever I talk with friends about their preparations, sometimes I ask myself whether I’m going overboard with the review. I kept thinking about my college mantra. I didn’t look at the board exams thinking that it was a means to an end. This was something I could do for myself. It felt good to be in charge for a change. And it was because of this that I became firm in my resolve to do well in the exams. No boss was telling me what to do. I could keep uncertainties about the future at bay, as long as I could focus on my goal.

However, after the board exams I rather despaired, since I don’t feel I did well in the exams. I even lacked a requirement in my design solution during the third day. Right after the board exams I felt the magnitude and extent of my actions that day and on the previous ones, and how it could lead to failure, and for a while I was just immobilized. Then for about a week I kept despairing and torturing myself with frightening possibilities and passing them on to friends. I was afraid of what the results may be because I just might find out my efforts were for naught, people close to me would be disappointed, and I didn’t want to go though the examination again.

It was just today when I came home, it dawned on me that more than half of the reason why I was afraid to fail is because of what other people’s reactions might be if ever that happened. Which is ... sad. And bound to drive one nuts! And the board exam, to think about it, is really just an option for most. When I eliminate that concept of other people's reactions, the idea of retaking the exams again doesn’t seem as torturing or as humiliating as I thought. It's just an exam anyway - necessary tool to become a licensed professional but it doesn't hold the key to my career. Suddenly, all of the expenses and efforts became irrelevant…they were necessary sacrifices on a bid, I suppose. It comes with the territory, and it’s part of taking chances. I should learn to accept that fact.

I am not conceding to failure. Rather, I’m trying to surrender to God’s will. I’ve already lain all of my cards on the table, and it’s up to Him to decide how to deal with it. I’m still hoping and praying that I and my friends would pass the exams, but in the event that things would go the other way, I’m reassured that there is a reason behind it. If I don’t see my name on the list of passers, I don’t think I would be spared from feeling disappointed and down, but I know I won’t be as crushed or as demoralized as I used to think I would be. And if I do pass, (and hopefully everyone in my office, in my alma mater, and in my review school would too) then there’s more than enough reason to celebrate, hehe. And then life goes on.

Those were my realizations.