The I WANT list. (first of hopefully many parts)

I want to be more confident around adults. I want to learn how to socialize with them and be more comfortable around them in my own skin. I know, I’m technically an adult, but in many ways I just feel like an overaged kid.

Yesterday, I chickened out of attending a general meeting of one of the professional organization’s chapters. Why? Basically, I found myself in the middle of a formal looking café, in guys twice my age in monkey business suits. I felt out of place in my jeans and sneakers. And above all, I knew no one among those who were present. Plus, I’m also being asked to pay 600 bucks – which would have been more bearable to part with if I felt I would have enjoyed myself (hey, I was on a mission to belong!), but sadly, I just didn’t feel that way last night. So I just left.

I just don’t know how to fit in with older people. By nature, I have always been the wallflower type, whether in family reunions or kiddie parties. I just don’t want to be noticed at all, especially not adults, who I felt would often find something to pick on once they’ve noticed me. Oftentimes, I just shrank back and ignored people, since I just felt really clumsy around them. So much so that unfortunately, some people mistook this for snobbishness.

I thought I outgrew this habit in college, since I think I was able to get out of my shell, befriend people, and actually got to bond with them. But it just came back in full force after I graduated.

Well, going back, even though in theory we should have been all on equal footing since we were all professionals, in reality, it just didn’t feel like way. It’s largely a psycho thing – me feeling like a kid/subordinate/apprentice hence insubstantial / inadequate / incompetent / name all the other ‘i' adjectives you could think of. Heck, one of the partners in our firm was there, so the subordinate part would be true! Although, in retrospect, I think no one would really make me feel that way. So it’s just largely something I just conjured up in my mind.

I was really bothered by it that I asked advice from a friend later last night, when I met him online. He gave me sensible advice. Initiate conversation. Extract their profile. He told me not to overrate conversation with older people, and it’s just the same with the younger ones. I should also get comfortable with the idea of conflict.

Given my predisposition towards older people, it’s not really that hard to tell where all that hesitation came from. Anyway, he is right. Next time, I would try not to think too much about sitting and talking with a bunch of them.

***

I want to cut my hair.

I’ve been wanting to cut my hair for the longest time. It’s so long now. But I couldn’t seem to do it. Why? I’m scared of regretting it once I’ve parted with my long hair. I’m scared of enduring the long, agonizing months of growing my hair back. People tell me I look better with long hair. I know Marvin likes me better with long hair. My hair is my safety blanket!

But stop. I mean, why am I growing my hair anyway? I should feel good about it, not feel dragged by it. It’s just a plus that other people like it, but really. I should learn how to live my life on my own terms. I can’t even get a grip on simple things like cutting my hair.

Argh.

Congratulate me if I ever get through this.=(