Testing

Why is it so hard to aspire? To aspire for too much? Too little? What does it take for one to be contented with something? To refrain from asking? To appreciate what one has? To know what to aspire for? To have faith at the things being thrown at one’s way? To have faith in myself? To gain some people’s faith in me?

*sigh*

I am sick and tired of myself at times. I am so weary of explaining myself.

Earlier, I went to a wake. My lolo’s half sister recently passed away at the ripe old age of 93. I went by myself, mainly because I had an argument with my mother and thus, I didn’t get to join her yesterday.

This marks the first time I went to a relative’s wake by my lonesome, as an adult. Going there was not some obligatory thing like tagging along with some elder, visiting someone’s wake, but rather as someone who was sad over someone’s demise. Lola Vic was really a kind woman by nature, and I can even recall her words more clearly than my own grandmother’s. I also love her whole family. They are my closest relatives. My cousins – her apo – were like sisters to me.

There are moments in one’s life when you really feel the passing of time, and this was one of those moments. Of course, there’s the obvious – lola vic could be said as fortunate, since she got to live to her 90s, and see most of her grandchildren graduate from college.

But there are also those things that aren’t as obvious. For example, I was surprised to find out from one of my aunts that our ‘kid’ cousin (who’s actually 20 by now) brought along her boyfriend to the wake. I was rather surprised, because 1) like I’ve just mentioned, I’ve always viewed her to be my kid cousin 2) I didn’t realize my uncle already approved of her daughters having boyfriends. I also met my ninang at the wake. I kind of felt bad for her because her weak knee was causing her pain and thus, she couldn’t really get out of the house much.

Topic of conversations also changes. Before, it was us - the older set of kids – who got asked what course to take and what school to go to. Now, it’s those babies who we cooed over when we were adolescents who get asked what college would they be attending. Talk revolves around what kind of job does one have, or if anyone has plans of going abroad, when am I going to get married, things like that.

I’ve realized my family isn’t as cookie cutter, as ideal, or even as typical as what other families may seem to be. Hearing about their stories sometimes pain me, because they aren’t always as rosy, as happy, as one might want it to be. But overall, I can still say that I’m blessed with the kind of family that I have. I am fortunate that I can still say I care enough to be part of significant events in my family’s life, whether it be wake, birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc., as well as hear about the not-so-significant ones.

I hope that Lola Vic would rest in peace. I also with the same for her husband, lolo art. My own lolo Dom and lola Sayong.

1.The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
any close friend I haven’t really talked to in a long time.

2. When shopping at the grocery store.
coffee/juice drink/tissue

3. If you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?
of course!

4. Do you take compliments well?depends on the form of compliment and who gave it.

5. Do you play Sudoku?nope

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
i guess i would.

7. Do you like nipple rings?
nope.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
nope.

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?scrabble, ten twenty

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married what would do?
thanks but no thanks

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
friendly date maybe, but i know it won't go anywhere. <--ditto for me too.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
be pursued of course!

14. Use three words to describe yourself at the moment.
tired, lazy, happy (hence I’m indulging in this survey)

15. Do any songs make you cry?
depends on my mood.

16. Are you continuing your education?
hopefully someday, but not really thinking about it

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
nope.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grab?
a hand of a family member

19. Who was the last person you shared a bed with?
mom – up to until 14.

20. Who do you call the most?
er....structural consultant. =P

21. What is your favorite children's book?
The Little Prince

22. What color are your eyes?
dark brown

23. How tall are you?
5’

24. Do you have a crush on 'Dave the Goofy Professor'?
don't even know who he is

25. If you could do it over again, start from scratch, would you?
hmmm…not really.

26. Any secret admirers?
sa tingin ko wala naman, but anyway, I wouldn’t know.

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
yeah, for ID pics and neoprints

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
i don't even know where olive garden is :(

29 Favorite ex?
err....

30. Where is the furthest place you've traveled?
Amsterdam up north

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
eat

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
mom

35. How long does it take you in the shower?
average of 10 minutes

36. Can you do splits?
nope.

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Harry Potter 5

39. What did you do for New Year's Eve?
went to mass and ate a simple meal

40. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
i didn't watch it

Hmm... we're missing a number #41, so its just 69 confessions!

42. Do you own a camera phone?
yes

....and it's only 68 confessions...

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
nope.

45. What's the last letter of your middle name?
L

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
4-6

48. Do you like care bears?
so-so

49. What do you buy at the Movies?
usually none

50. Do you know how to play poker?
nope

51.Do you wear your seatbelt?
when I drive or in the front seat

52. What do you wear to sleep?
pajamas or shorts and shirt

53. Anything big ever happen in your town?
don't think so.

54. Is your hair straight or curly?
straight

55. Is your tongue pierced?
nope

56. Do you like Liver and Onions?
it’s okay

57.Have you ever been in love?
yes

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
a balance of both is good. 5

9. Ever been to L.A.?
nope.

61. Do you visit goofyauctions.com daily?
nope.;;

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
I don’t download music anymore.

63. Do you hate chocolate?
They’re okay.=)

64. What do/did you and your parents fight about the most?
how messy I am

65. Are you a gullible person?
i think so :P

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?I
have a boyfriend, and he makes me happy. But as on the whole, I think one doesn’t have to have someone special to be happy.

67. If u could have any job what would it be?
chef.

68. Are you easy to get along with?
hmmm….depends on my mood. Hehehe.=)

69. What is your favorite time of day?Saturday!

70. Are you a generally happy person?=)

The I WANT list. (first of hopefully many parts)

I want to be more confident around adults. I want to learn how to socialize with them and be more comfortable around them in my own skin. I know, I’m technically an adult, but in many ways I just feel like an overaged kid.

Yesterday, I chickened out of attending a general meeting of one of the professional organization’s chapters. Why? Basically, I found myself in the middle of a formal looking café, in guys twice my age in monkey business suits. I felt out of place in my jeans and sneakers. And above all, I knew no one among those who were present. Plus, I’m also being asked to pay 600 bucks – which would have been more bearable to part with if I felt I would have enjoyed myself (hey, I was on a mission to belong!), but sadly, I just didn’t feel that way last night. So I just left.

I just don’t know how to fit in with older people. By nature, I have always been the wallflower type, whether in family reunions or kiddie parties. I just don’t want to be noticed at all, especially not adults, who I felt would often find something to pick on once they’ve noticed me. Oftentimes, I just shrank back and ignored people, since I just felt really clumsy around them. So much so that unfortunately, some people mistook this for snobbishness.

I thought I outgrew this habit in college, since I think I was able to get out of my shell, befriend people, and actually got to bond with them. But it just came back in full force after I graduated.

Well, going back, even though in theory we should have been all on equal footing since we were all professionals, in reality, it just didn’t feel like way. It’s largely a psycho thing – me feeling like a kid/subordinate/apprentice hence insubstantial / inadequate / incompetent / name all the other ‘i' adjectives you could think of. Heck, one of the partners in our firm was there, so the subordinate part would be true! Although, in retrospect, I think no one would really make me feel that way. So it’s just largely something I just conjured up in my mind.

I was really bothered by it that I asked advice from a friend later last night, when I met him online. He gave me sensible advice. Initiate conversation. Extract their profile. He told me not to overrate conversation with older people, and it’s just the same with the younger ones. I should also get comfortable with the idea of conflict.

Given my predisposition towards older people, it’s not really that hard to tell where all that hesitation came from. Anyway, he is right. Next time, I would try not to think too much about sitting and talking with a bunch of them.

***

I want to cut my hair.

I’ve been wanting to cut my hair for the longest time. It’s so long now. But I couldn’t seem to do it. Why? I’m scared of regretting it once I’ve parted with my long hair. I’m scared of enduring the long, agonizing months of growing my hair back. People tell me I look better with long hair. I know Marvin likes me better with long hair. My hair is my safety blanket!

But stop. I mean, why am I growing my hair anyway? I should feel good about it, not feel dragged by it. It’s just a plus that other people like it, but really. I should learn how to live my life on my own terms. I can’t even get a grip on simple things like cutting my hair.

Argh.

Congratulate me if I ever get through this.=(

Some useless facts about my birthday....
(from http://www.paulsadowski.org/BirthDay.asp)

Your date of conception was on or about 3 March 1981 which was a Tuesday.

You were born on a Tuesday
under the astrological sign Sagittarius.
Your Life path number is 9.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 3, 6 & 9.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 1 & 5.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 7 & 11.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 4, 8 & 22.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2444932.5.
The golden number for 1981 is 6.
The epact number for 1981 is 24.
The year 1981 was not a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/5/1981 and ending 1/24/1982.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Rooster.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Owl; your plant is Mistletoe.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Menchir, the second month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 27 Heshvan 5742.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 28 Heshvan 5742.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.8.8.8 which is
12 baktun 18 katun 8 tun 8 uinal 8 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Tuesday, 26 Muharram 1402 (1402-1-26).

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 19 April 1981.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 26 April 1981.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 4 March 1981.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 7 June 1981.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 14 June 1981.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Tuesday, 29 September 1981.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Sunday, 19 April 1981.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 3 March 1981.

As of 1/28/2007 7:23:14 AM EST
You are 25 years old.
You are 302 months old.
You are 1,314 weeks old.
You are 9,196 days old.
You are 220,711 hours old.
You are 13,242,683 minutes old.
You are 794,560,994 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:

Katherine Heigl (1978)	William F. Buckley, Jr. (1925)	Dale Carnegie (1888)
Scott Joplin (1868)	Bat Masterson (1853)	Zachary Taylor (1784)

Top songs of 1981

Physical by Olivia Newton-John	Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes
Endless Love by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie	Arthur's Theme by Christopher Cross
Kiss On My List by Daryl Hall & John Oates	Jessie's Girl by Rick Springfield
I Love a Rainy Night by Eddie Rabbitt	9 to 5 by Dolly Parton
Private Eyes by Daryl Hall & John Oates	Rapture by Blondie

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 3.59921722113503 years old. (Life's just a big chewy bone for you!)

There are 300 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 26 candles.

Those 26 candles produce 26 BTUs,
or 6,552 calories of heat (that's only 6.5520 food Calories!) .
You can boil 2.97 US ounces of water with that many candles.

In 1981 there were approximately 3.6 million births in the US.
In 1981 the US population was approximately 226,545,805 people, 64.0 persons per square mile.
In 1981 in the US there were 2,438,000 marriages (10.6%) and 1,219,000 divorces (5.3%)
In 1981 in the US there were approximately 1,990,000 deaths (8.8 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

In 1981 the population of Australia was approximately 15,054,117.
In 1981 there were approximately 235,842 births in Australia.
In 1981 in Australia there were approximately 113,905 marriages and 41,412 divorces.
In 1981 in Australia there were approximately 109,003 deaths.


Your birthstone is Citrine

The Mystical properties of Citrine

Citrine is said to help one connect with Spirit.

Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Yellow Topaz, Pearl, Diamond

Your birth tree is

Ash Tree, the Ambition

Uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with its fate, can be egoistic, very reliable and trustworthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over heart, but takes partnership very serious.

There are 331 days till Christmas 2007!
There are 344 days till Orthodox Christmas!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning crescent.