February 21, 2005.
It's official. I have finally resigned from work today.
***
”The Warrior of the Light is terrified when making important decisions.
“This is too much for you,” says a friend. “Go on, be brave,” says another. And so his doubts grow….””***
Last week was really long and tiring. To add to the fatigue I suffered from working until 10 everyday in the last week, I spent time thinking, debating, and even crying about what my decision should be. At first I was really apprehensive to the point that I almost shunned away the thought of leaving the office. I tried to turn down the offer that came along, claiming that it was hard to leave with a heavy heart. But I’ve finally come to a decision…and hopefully, I have made the right choice.
***
“….After some days of anxiety, he withdraws to the corner of his tent where he usually sits to meditate and pray. He sees himself in the future. He sees the people who will benefit or be harmed by his attitude. He does not want to cause pointless suffering, but nor does he want to abandon the path….”***
In all honesty, I am sad. I am sad to leave something that has begun to really become a part of me, in the sense that I’ve rather become fond of the people in the office. (And hopefully they’ve grown fond of me…) I know I complain a lot about my boss, but he really isn’t the mean ogre you must think he is. I guess we just cannot connect on the same wavelength.
I am sad to be leaving opportunities as well. Too bad that I wasn’t able to make the most out of the opportunity of being in the specifications department. I would have wanted to absorb more, but I don’t think I could wait for my boss to really train me. My entry in the office..it was really a case of bad timing when it came for training for my job description. But despite this, I really hope I learned enough to get by. I certainly gained a lot of appreciation and insight about the nature of materials, if not actual knowledge about things.
***
“…The Warrior allows the decision to reveal itself….”***
Maybe it
is really time to leave. The opportunity for growth beckoned. And it is something I am not blind to. The kinds of projects the office I’ll be transferring to have are smaller in scale compared to the projects our office handles, but no less difficult. To work there would probably be good exposure for me.
I consider myself lucky and blessed to be in a position to choose how I want to direct my career, my plans for life. I am also lucky to be with someone who is totally supportive of my decisions.
***
“…If he has to say “yes,” he will say it bravely. If he has to say “no,” he will say it without a trace of cowardice.”***
I am also happy to say that I’m leaving the office with a light heart. I feel lighthearted because I know I’ll be able to leave the office without any bitterness or gripe in my heart. I cannot demand anything that I know the office cannot really give me. I guess that’s how the office works. I understand and accept that. Therefore, I must take it upon myself to look for opportunities for self-improvement elsewhere.
***
If there’s anything that I’ve gained in the office aside from technical detail and good friends, I guess it’s the additional insights about life and work. For one thing, my experience has reminded me not to be afraid to venture into risks.
And yes, I've met the most wonderful guy in the office. Thanks hon, for being my strong pillar of support.
***
To end this, let me borrow a quote I so often read in Anna's emails.
Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.
Kierkegaard
