Crying in the Office on a Tuesday

Warning: What you are about to read is miles away from my previous entry. It’s just teeming with pessimism.
***
Today is probably the saddest day I’ve ever had at work.:( After a couple of weeks and months of being forced to slack around, I just realized how unhappy I was with my work. Marvin accurately stated how I feel – I’m just an extension of my boss. I merely fax, print, and transcribe what he says. I call consultants when he’s too busy to call them, and I take calls from suppliers when he doesn’t feel like talking to them. There are times when I have nothing to do, and he doesn’t show up for work! And there are lots of periods wherein I DON’T DO ANYTHING AT ALL.

In short, I feel like it’s a waste of time being at work. As in. I am unhappy - I don’t want to spend the next 6 months of my self-imposed allotted time in the office feeling as if I’m wasting my precious training period, that I’m better off not going to work at all or I should be in another firm.

I am also not happy working for my boss. He may not be the meanest boss around – in fact, he’s not mean at all. But I don’t like working for him. He’s just more at ease working by his lonesome. And though I understand that, I can’t sit around and feel useless while waiting for him to give me work. I feel so frustrated. I never got the chance to feel that I’m in control of what I’m doing. And now, I’m not even doing anything at all.

What makes me especially sad is I’ve grown to love the environment and the people in GF. Everyone’s really nice and fun to be with. But I know I have to do something else in this firm or leave. I won’t be happy with the people here if I am not happy with my work. And right now, I’m not.

Shucks. I wonder. Do they see me as competent? I admit to acting like a newbie – sometimes I just really space out when given an instruction, especially when I was just a couple of weeks on the job. But now I can say for certain that that has changed.

If I request to be transferred to another team, I must be sure where I want to be. The problem is, I don’t know what team I’d rather be in, or if I want to be at all. There’s this feeling that, if I want to be in production, I want everything to be entirely fresh. I don’t want reminders of specs stuff and “what-I-could-have-learned-in-specs-if-just-stayed-but-in-actual-there’s-really-little”. But my confidence has wavered in the past couple of months that I was here. Before, I thought I know how to use CAD. Now, I’m not sure. I am also not confident now in what I am saying about things. I cower before innocent suggestions of people.

This is just so crappy. Why does working here only seem great in theory? *Sigh* I need to get the old Mumty back. She may not be that much of a talker, but at least she didn’t whimper and she knew how to make do with what’s present and what’s lacking. And yeah, she has somewhat perfected the practice of being sweetly manipulative.
*feeling tired*

It’s tiring to be so frustrated. Gosh.:(

All I can say is, I need to do something else…soon. I need to get out of this miserable state before the system totally destroys what I think of myself and my capabilities.

Kahilingan

Sana…

1. Matapos na yung plano para sa bahay namin.
2. Totoo si Santa.
3. Mapanood ko na lahat ng DVDs na nasa kwarto ko.
4. Kumita bazaar namin.
5. Dumami trabaho ko sa opisina. (Pwera biro.)
6. May matutunan ako sa opisina.
7. Mas may social life ako…(puro tungkol sa work yung paglabas-labas ko eh.:( )
8. Maayos namin yung lesson board. (hi anna!)
9. Magkaroon ako ng pagkakataon makapag-isip para sa sarili ko.
10. Matupad kahilingan ko ngayong Pasko.

Pero buti na lang…
1. Wala masyadong pressure sa work.
2. Mabait boss ko…well, pwede na.
3. Mas may oras ako sa sarili ko.
4. Mabibigay na namin yearbook! (at makikita ko ulit college friends ko.)
5. May iba akong ginagawa liban sa arki.
6. May pag-asa ang buhay. (naks.)
7. Na-download ko na ang BK Love na super matagal ko nang hinahanap.
8. May pwede akong uwian sa Makati.
9. Masaya mga tao sa GF!:D
10. Masaya ako.

That’s all for now. Tomorrow ko na lang kwento yung bazaar. Yihee!:D

ON BEING 23

By the time I would post this, it would already be past my birthday. But heck, inspiration strikes me like…once in a blue moon, so, might as well write this birthday (or post-birthday thoughts.)

Anyway, to start off yesterday, let me backtrack on Tuesday night. Some of my officemates and I were left at the office to decorate our office for Thanksgiving dinner. What happened, I went past my village curfew, which was 10 p.m. I called up my mom and said I would be sleeping over at my aunt’s house instead. Good thing a good friend accompanied me to my aunt's house.

So came birthday morning. I was planning to be absent but heck. I was only 5 minutes away from work. And what am I going to do in the house anyway? So, there I was, trooping along Buendia Ave, armed with my unwashed lunch box and clad in borrowed clothes. On my birthday. Just imagine.

Anyway, I had an okay day. My friends remembered my birthday, which was a big deal for me.:) My officemates greeted me, and they played a birthday song…well, I’d like to believe that that was for me even though chances were, I won’t really be around the CAD dept to appreciate it. I stopped decorating for the day, and my teammates didn’t seem to mind at all. My boss made do some stuff, and around afternoon he got stuck preparing for a lot of submittals, so he didn't have much time to think of things to assign to me, so I got stuck with the specs queries for another project...which was already done and needed his "touch". Good thing he didn’t make me work overtime. (Of all the days in the week, Wednesdays are usually prime days for overnight, since he has a weekly coordination meeting the following morning.) I think I was the first one to skedaddle out of the office.

***
So anyway, aside from that, nothing really unusual happened today. I kicked my heels (figuratively) and just relaxed…I had to watch Amazing Race first and think about serious (and not so serious things.)

So, it was great not having to think about work and responsibility. No editing, no profile, no racket, no bazaar (more on that later) – nada. For the first time in ages, I actually made time for thinking and I didn’t feel guilty about it.

It’s great to be clad in pink pajamas and not care.

***
So okay. Every time I turn a year older I feel that I’m becoming more and more detached from my real age. I’m not sure whether I’m regressing or this is how the typical early twenty-somethings really think – somewhat detached from the realities of life, but too “mature” to think of trivial things like boys and clothes.

But come to think of it, there are people my age who have started early with the true “grown up” phase, like thinking of having kids, settling down and blazing a trail in their chosen field. Well…I guess that shouldn’t be really weird. My friend was right. We are young, but we are not that young anymore. We have come into a phase in our lives that we are already capable of making huge changes in the way we want our lives to become….or at least, this undertaking is not just for the brave and adventurous ones.

The world is at our feet. *Sigh.* But why do I feel immobile?

So, pushing career aside, let’s talk about love. Yeah. Love. For ages, I was in this phase wherein I thought I really have lost connection with what this means. I was happy just by my lonesome, making friends in the process and not tied down to one person at all. Anyway, eons ago…fine, when I was sixteen, despite my inner angst (which should be another good topic), I really believed that loving someone was being ready to slay dragons for the one you love, a

All I can say is, I’m inspired. For the first time in years, I am inspired by someone. Thinking about someone actually makes me smile. And…well, it may not be as high and noble as what I thought of love when I was sixteen, but at this point I want to go back to zero and rediscover what love means.

23 seems like a good year.

For the lack of anything better to write...



"You must remember this, a kiss is still a
kiss". Your romance is Casablanca. A
classic story of love in trying times, chock
full of both cynicism and hope. You obviously
believe in true love, but you're also
constantly aware of practicality and societal
expectations. That's not always fun, but at
least it's realistic. Try not to let the Nazis
get you down too much.


What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yoohoo!

*I just felt like writing something in here.*

Well, anyway, nothing really major happened today, except for a bit of info I learned from my boss earlier. Thanks to him, I now have an idea of specifying the proper thickness for glass panes. I learned that the thickness depends on 1) whether the window is supported on all 4 sides or 2 sides, 2) the area of the window (for glass supported on all sides) or the unsupported span (for windows supported only on 2 sides and 3)specified wind load. Oh yeah, various types of treatments with the glass (i.e. tempering the glass) increases the strength of the glass with a factor of... well, you get the picture.

*shrugs*

And that was that. Like I said, nothing earthshattering happened today. But I wish each day was like today - I discover something new. And maybe work wouldn't be such a drag after all.:)

***
Her name is Kyungjin. Yeo Kyungjin.
I feel strange just saying her name.
She has something special that no one else can touch.
-- From the movie 'Windstruck'




I watched Windstruck, a Korean movie, last Sunday. I kinda made a vow to forget everything I was doing and finally (FINALLY!) view the video that has been already waiting for me to watch it for around 3 weeks...

I'm glad I put all other things aside. I loved this movie.

Well...to the die hard MSG (My Sassy Girl) fans, this movie may fall a bit from your expectations, but I think 'Windstruck' is still a gem of a movie. I laughed. I cried. I cried some more. Then I laughed.

*sigh*

Well, in my best I'm-so-sleepy-to-make-kwento mode, 'Windstruck' is about a female police officer (played by the Korean 'It' girl, Jeon Ji Hyun) and a male physics teacher (Jang Hyuk) falling for each other. Well, that's that -- they fell in love. No great discoveries in here. And then, something happened in the course of their relationship. It became the catalyst in the story.

So there. Go watch it.

(It just occurred to me that since I'm having a hard time giving the gist of this movie's plot, it's either there might be no real plot to this or I don't want to give out spoilers.)

The director of this movie is also the same director for 'My Sassy Girl' and 'The Classic'. Watch out for scenes that pay homage to these two other movies.

Despite it being a chopsuey type of a movie, I STILL LOVE THIS MOVIE. What is it with Korean filmmakers that they manage to turn comedies into sobfest movies?

*sob sob*

Anyway, I'll just post pictures from the movie.




#1 Kyungjin.



#2 Myungwoo.



#3 Dancing to a Motown tune under the rain.

From Maria’s diary:
What does this painter want from me? Doesn’t he realize that we are from different countries, cultures and sexes? Does he think I know more about pleasure than he does and wants to learn something from me?

Why didn’t he say something else to me, apart from “I’m here as a customer”? It would have been so easy for him to say “I missed you”, or “I really enjoyed the afternoon we spent together.” I would respond in the same way (I’m a professional), but he should understand my insecurities, because I’m a woman, I’m fragile, and when I’m in that place, I’m a different person.

He’s a man. He’s an artist. He should understand that the great aim of every human being is to understand the meaning of total love. Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.

He says he’s tired of sex. So am I, and yet neither of us really knows what that means. We are allowing some of the most important things in life to die – he should have saved me, I should have saved him, but he left me no choice.

*bold letters are my own.

***
I read Paulo Coelho’s Eleven Minutes for practically the entire day last Monday. It’s about the story of Maria, a prostitute. Well. It was probably the best thing I’ve ever read for ages. Some of my views about love and pain would be forever changed because of this novel.

***
What a difference one day makes. The week has barely started, and yet it’s already the middle of the week. Galing. Sana palaging holiday ang Monday, hehehe.:D